Portrait of the Soul I Have

She walks into independent bookstores and hugs the shelves, 
she feels they deserve love


She sees ghosts out of the corner of her eye sometimes


She eats seaweed at sushi restaurants, 
it makes her feel like a mermaid


She cries at the symphony


She always laughs far too loudly at her own jokes- 
she’s the only one that finds them funny


She will always dance to music


They used to call her a buck-toothed beaver, good-two-shoes, and walking dictionary- She is still all of those things


She dreamed of being a physicist- she failed


She wants to be a Sister- 
she doesn’t know if she’s failed yet


She no longer has gaping wounds in her heart (just bruises)


She recites poetry to books of poetry, 
it’s how they understand each other


As a child, she would stare out the car window and watch the moon follow her around it made her feel special


She knows the moon is a woman and the sun is a man


She holds trauma in her body she can’t remember


She has the blood of a sorceress in her veins- she renounced it all


She was once intimidating now just silly


She knows her greatest gift will be in understanding her ordinariness


She loved boys who didn’t get her


She loved men who didn’t see


She always wears skirts and dresses


She is moved to tears by Rhothko’s Untitled


She knows what will happen before it does


She played with ouija boards until they all spoke back


She wants to be sexy but is far too awkward to pull it off


She wears black on Friday the 13th


She prays for souls every time she passes cemeteries


She feels only the trees know her


She loves learning about everything


She treasures wisdom like gold, like money, like jewels


She’s bitten into foods and cried that they were so delicious


She imagines highways and speedways are octopus arms in the sky


She feels far too much but knows no other way


She earnestly fails at prayer 


She wonders if she’s doing the right thing


She holds fear, anger, and failure in her stomach


She wants to be a writer in Paris


She’s afraid of the dark sometimes because she knows what lurks there


She secretly loves cigarettes- the nicotine is soothing


She once tried botox it worked but took away her expressions, it was far too much to give


She only wants perfection


She never believed herself to be beautiful until little by little she was told she was


She gets easily exhausted from crowds of people in stores and events


She unabashedly sings opera terribly


She desires to melt into love and cease to be


She sleeps next to a person of blankets on the other side of the bed


She has felt the pain and suffering of every human heart


She also felt the unending ocean of Mercy


She prays for the impossible- sometimes she’s sure she’ll get it


She likes playing the ukulele even if it makes her Manic or a Pixie or a Dreamgirl


She walks into stores just to see what they’re like


She doesn’t sing about “inappropriate” things


She goes to Church every Sunday 


She speaks to Saints 


She’s not a hipster but she has enough tattoos to prove it


She once flew to Portland just to see an obscure artist


She wants to experience everything


She thinks she doesn’t love enough
 
She wants to smile and hug every person she meets but sometimes that is too vulnerable so she hides instead


She senses wisdom in her bones


She sees truth with her eyes and feels it in her soul


She is too idealistic for war


She used to be a Democrat and then a Moderate and then a Republican but she just hates Politics now


She can’t watch horror movies, the demons will attack her


She is grateful even for her temptations


She loved too many men who gave everything but not to her


She is aware she’s an empath but is working out the kinks


She wants to speak being into existence


She has too many rosaries but always needs just one more


She wants to paint 


She finds Atheism boring


She once multiplied power readily but was saved instead


She knows what people won’t reveal anyways


She once received a reward for reading- it’s the most truthful award she’s earned


She didn’t like 5th grade- the teacher smelled of bleach and smoke


She can’t remember middle school


She was freed from possession by wondering if those ladies were nuns, “I would like to be a nun” she thought


She knows sparkly nails make her happy


She’s far too messy to keep her life in order


She is inspired by air rushing around her- it’s God playing


She knows she can do anything but all she wants is to belong to Him


She is surprised by what is happening right now


She can read your souls just by looking into your eyes


She drinks stouts, porters, and ciders- never IPAs


She’s alarmingly comfortable in dive bars


She wants to be Wonder Woman but has to be herself instead


She wants to carry the Heart of Jesus to the world


She flirted with being a missionary and then realized it could never work


She wants to be a minimalist but loves pretty things too much


She wants to cut off all her hair but that would be too shocking


She believes beauty nourishes her soul


She has prophetic dreams and will tell them to anyone who will listen


She once felt not enough- now she knows she is


She doesn’t know what she’s doing


She would like to be a musician and a writer


She likes Japanese jazz, avant garde rock, and minimalist neoclassical


She’s finally embraced her cuteness it no longer irks her


She’s a natural teacher but a terrible accountant


She goes in and out of people’s lives, she doesn’t realize she is wanted


She loves the smell of peonies, incense, and old books


She wonders if she will ever love


She has dreamt of heaven


She has once felt perfect stillness in meditation…. it was God


She believes in astrology but only at the moment of birth


She believes her students are her children


She believes jeans are for farmers


She won’t eat ice cream cake- she’s racist about it


She snorts and gasps for breath if she laughs too hard


She’s been to too many concerts- they give her existential angst


She used to write songs and do choreography for her 3rd grade band


She smiles at cashiers


She wants her nose re-pierced


She surprises those around her when she curses but she quickly goes to confession afterwards


She’s had far too many jobs


She’s in love with Talent and Intelligence and Strength


She can not fall in love with bodies, she falls in love with hearts/souls/spirits


She has spent week with sisters and nuns praying in hidden convents - it’s where she feels most comfortable


She’s an INFP, 4W5, Pisces and she believes it


She used to be in chimes


She breaks bones like people buy new cars


She dreams of studying Theology and Philosophy


She wears trench coats when it rains


She doesn’t have rain boots but she wants them


She has a bucket list that she is always checking off and adding things to


She’s infatuated with exotic names


She can’t function without caffeine


She is always bumping into things - Kateri Tekakwitha


When she passes a Catholic Church, she very excitedly waves and says “Hi, Jesus! I Love You!” She won’t stop


She was on the swim team in High School but never won any races because it was too gratifying to swim leisurely


She can’t lick her elbow but she’s tried


She picks at her skin and all her bites and scabs- she wants her skin to be perfect


She very specifically likes the color red-violet not violet-red


She once destroyed her sister’s barbie doll because she was angry


She tried to develop her psychic powers in elementary school- she’s not sure if they’ve stuck


She loves cats but is allergic- it breaks her heart


She doesn’t like the witch goblin birds that sing outside her bedroom window at midnight


She used to apologize for everything that wasn’t her fault


She wonders if she can have children- she believes she will be a bad mother


She feels guilty for not tithing enough


but she spends all her time at church


She gives away her art because it doesn’t hold any value except sentimental


She never gets a “Plus 1” to events


She watches indie movies in rundown theaters


She likes doing things by herself


She watches too many conspiracy theory videos


She eats chocolate like a koalas eat eucalyptus 


She loves the Potoo because they are strange and alien and terrifying and silly all at once like her


She loves Oxylotols because they are cute real-life pokemons and that makes her laugh


She’s a really good liar so she tries not to


She wonders what he’s doing


She always wanted red hair and green eyes- but it’s Fate that she’s Spanish and not Irish


She’s not very good at keeping a schedule


She wants to be tan but has been pale for 20 years, she’s not sure if her personality can handle the transition


She buys makeup she doesn’t wear


She believes her phone can read her mind for targeted ads


She creates characters with every hat she sees


She used to be a vegetarian for 15 years but now can’t stop eating bacon cheeseburgers


She is afraid of walking by herself late at night


She used to wear high heels until she broke both her feet


She loves musicals and children’s cartoons


She loves wry, silly, dry, and dark humor not slapstick or sarcasm, it’s mean


She wants to be known as lovely


She loves the Latin Mass and Charismatic Praise and Worship, even on the same day


She knows Jesus Christ


She wants to be a saint 

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